How Do You Love Yourself?

Society teaches that if I learn or grow in love for myself, I will be able to love others, but I am discovering through transformation that there is another way.  As I love others, I can love myself.  Which method can you relate to?  Think for a moment about the results you've seen when implementing either of these methods...

love myself = love others
love others = love myself

Results are the most powerful barometer we have available to us.  Our words can, many times, deceive others and even ourselves, but results don’t lie.  They are what they are.

The results in my life have been clear.

I spent much of my married life thinking that if I could love myself or heal my low self-esteem first, then I would be able to love my husband more deeply, and the results I experienced were:

  • As I felt I wasn’t good enough - I saw him as not good enough.
  • The way I judged myself was the way I judged him.
  • We were becoming more distant as my criticism of myself flowed onto him.  
  • He shared less of who he was with me as he could hear my negativity before I spoke a word.
  • I became more and more critical of his disengagement.
  • He began dealing with depression and disengaged even more.

On the other hand, as I engage in the practice of transformation, my vision leads me to authentic, intimate, and loving relationships.  When I choose to pursue them, I get to commit to who I will be to bring about my vision.  I choose things like love without judgment, being a generous listener, grace, and truth spoken for the purpose of intimacy.

This means, I choose to love others first and the results I experience are:

  • I am truly learning who my husband is, after 25 years of marriage.
  • As I interrupt my enabling, he chooses to step into his true self and creates his art at an all time high.
  • We are vulnerable with each other and discover together the commonality in our humanity.
  • The intimacy we share is at an all-time high, and it begins internally and moves externally.
  • I am discovering how to love myself by loving him. 
  • The key that is unlocking the beauty in me is in my choice to truly love him.

The results in our marriage are just one example of how loving others is transcending my life. The results I experience as I love my children, staff, clients, friends, and neighbors, even strangers, in this authentic, intimate and honest love is proving that...

love is the most powerful force on earth.
— Nelson Rockefeller

If you would like to learn more about this powerful force in your own life, I want to offer you two helpful resources:

1. Dan Tocchini, my transformational coach and founder of Blood & Ethos, and I have created a 4-part podcast around the conversation of transformation.  Check out Part-2 below.  During this 5-minute conversation, we talk about some of what I began applying in my life to bring about the results I shared above.

2. UnLock is a powerful, 2-day training event in January.  The purpose of UnLock is to lead you into discovering who you are by how you give yourself to others.  We would love for you to join us. (It is currently at a special pre-launch sale for the next seven days!)


As you ponder love and the results you are experiencing through your current way of loving what do you think about these two methods?

love myself = love others
love others = love me

Which approach is producing the results you want?  Please comment below, and tell us which of the two approaches you feel is producing the most powerful force of love you desire in your life.