Facing My Addiction to Busyness Part 2
I am beyond grateful for a life changing spiritual encounter that occurred for me in 2009. At that moment, deception was removed like scales falling from my eyes, and I saw the truth of my choices and recognized I was a workaholic. I saw that I was settling for fools gold in my attempt to earn love through my doing rather than receive love as a gift from God and others. I immediately began working 40 hours or less a week rather than the 70+ hours I had been. I began to make time for hearing the voice of my heart and allowing it to lead me to moments of being filled up rather than the constant pouring out I had known previously. Everything was different! The world was brighter, the air smelled sweeter, and beauty I had never noticed was now taking my breath away.
In 2014, another layer was removed as my husband, and I followed the voice of our heart's and sold our business and moved to California with our children (well three of our four children - our oldest got married two weeks prior and stayed in Illinois) to pursue a new life. As I thought about this new life, I never imagined busyness being a part of it. I envisioned myself focused on rest and pursuing the quiet moments of life. I saw myself writing, exploring, and investing in my family. As the first months past in my new quiet life, I found myself once again in the uncomfortableness of open space and quietness. As I experienced the absence of my busy life back in Illinois, which included the daily demands of the business, gatherings with friends and family, nor the typical weekly meetings that had filled my schedule. Again, I quickly labeled the absence of doing as boredom. As I look back over the past year and a half, I sense myself walking back down a familiar path. We are growing a new company, new friendships and gatherings are growing, traveling is increasing for work and pleasure, and quiet moments are becoming rarer. I'm tempted to pass it off as the American way, the reality of growing a business or this time of year. But my heart tells me I am lying to myself or am in denial. (the acronym for denial is Don't Even kNow I Am Lying - to myself).
As I allow honesty to come today in writing this, I see new things. I see that my battle seems to be in my lack of comfort with rest or quietness. It seems that as soon as I label it as boredom, I jump to solving it with doing. If it wasn't boredom, what else could it be? I am ready to sit in that. I sense there is a gift behind this curtain that I keep flinging open to get past the discomfort. I know that as I daily take the time to listen to the voice of my heart, it repeatedly seems to be challenging me to rest. Not rest in the sense of sleeping or taking a day off, but rest in the sense of a state of being. A place where I choose rest rather than striving and constantly doing. I am curious and interested in what that means. If my heart is calling for it, I know it must exist and be life offering. I am committed to choosing it. I am committed to being comfortable with rest.
Here are the action steps I feel will support me in my commitment:
- I am committed to having a weekly day of rest or a day where the only thing on my schedule is nothing.
- I have made a list of the things that water my soul and allow me to find rest like meditation, sunrises and sunsets, hiking, adventure, quality time with my husband and kids, cooking, and reading.
- I have designed a week in my life and what it could look like if I gave the above list time and space. (I did that when we first moved here, but I recognize I have let busyness of the last couple of months rob me of it being lived out on a weekly basis.)
- I am committed to standing in the moments that I may be tempted to label as "boredom" and get curious.
Thank you for the opportunity to be vulnerable with you. I would love to hear how you interact with rest or the opposite of busyness? I would also like to have the accountability of sharing with you again in a few months on how I am doing in this area. If I forget, please remind me.