Simple Shifts (part II) Create Big Results in Our Marriage
This week, I am excited about some small shifts that made a wonderful impact in my relationship with jeff.
We have been noticing a pattern lately that we were talking/arguing about issues, rather than resolving them.
Do you ever have a conversation with your spouse and then realize you are having the same conversation for the third or fourth time because it was never resolved when you talked about it all the previous times it came up?
Well, it's a bit embarrassing to say that I was pointing the finger at him as the issue or reason the issues weren't getting resolved. Which should have been the first clue that I had a log in my eye, but was finding it much easier to see the speck in his. During my coaching appointment, I saw the log in my eye. (Yes, I offer transformational coaching, and I also get coaching myself.)
The first shift I made was recognizing I was choosing to believe that it was going to be hard to resolve these issues. However, I realized it only had to be hard, if I made it hard. Once I stopped choosing to believe that, all the sudden I see new possibilities open up.
Second, I got clearer about my commitment as a wife. When I am clear about what I am committed to, I can stand in that commitment and make choices that allow me to show up that way. I am committed to love Jeff unconditionally and believe in the man he is, regardless of my judgements of his actions and words in the moment. That shifts a lot.
I once heard that how you speak to your spouse is who will show up. If you speak to them like they are a child or a burden, that is how they will show up. If you speak to him/her as a champion or a treasure, that is who will show up.
I began to notice in my language that I had not been talking to the champion in Jeff. I had been communicating vaguely and leaving things open-ended. I was expecting him to read my mind and devaluing him when he didn't. The next time I saw him, I stood in my commitment which shifted my language and he responded in a clear and committed way in return.
Third, I noticed a tinge of that nasty lie I was allowing myself to believe that people won't show up for me. When I listen and believe that lie, I take myself out of my life and rob myself of my heart's desires in my relationships. Once I recognize it, I choose to believe the truth, and I start showing up and trusting Jeff will show up for me as he did. It's is amazing that how we show up impacts how other people show up for us.
I can now see the domino effect of how each of these beliefs was feeding off the other. It went like this.
- First, I was only willing to look at what I thought my husband was doing wrong.
- From that perspective, I began to see the issues as huge problems that would be difficult to resolve.
- Once I believe that, then I started communicating in a judgemental/shaming way to my husband.
- When I looked at his negative responses in the midst of my shaming him, I began to feel rejected and isolate myself.
- In the isolation, the nasty negative emotion of hopelessness shows up, and resolution becomes pretty difficult in that place. But, the payoff is I get to be right about people won't show up for me. Something that I can predict and in a weird way gives me a sense of control.
Wow, so simple!!
I am so thankful for the grace my husband was able to offer me. When I asked him to forgive me and I began showing up differently, he also began showing up differently. Within 10 minutes, we had resolved two issues that we had been talking around for nearly six weeks. Phew!! It feels so much better to be moving forward rather than feeling stuck like we were. The experience of living our vision is so much more rewarding than being right and settling for the illusion of control!